Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?

Rules and I have a deceptive relationship in that I acknowledge it’s existence superficially but will be sooner or later bound to break them when prompted. So, my most joyful ordinary moments this year (as I begin scratching at the mines of nostalgia) is arriving at the school’s back door with Jess, only to find them locked. And because we’re young, carefree and extremely lazy, walking to the main gates was not an option. However, gauging the fall to the other side, the effort it would take to mount the gate, evaluating whether we would drop into some person’s yard and be caught as trespassers was by far easier than walking.

We dropped out bags over, giggled as we clamoured over the wooden fence. By the time both of us were over the other side, there was this small bubble of joy that can only be brought around by rebellion.

That’s right, we conquered the fence bitch and didn’t get caught by the dog.

What’s the thing you most want to achieve next year? How do you imagine you’ll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

Rule the world. It's been a plan that has been bubbling for a year now but always put on the back boiler because I still lack resources.

And when I get it, the triumph that ensues and the misery before me will throw the world into a new era of my glory.

In all seriousness, while ruling the world will still be on my plans, I want to use next year to further these planes. Namely by surviving the first year of Uni, getting into the course that I think I want and then being happy doing it.

Actually, scratch that. What I really want to achieve? Internet success. As in, being loved for what I do and earning money from it. The 21st Century Gen Y Dream. I need to live the cliche.

Look at these [gorgeous, sexy bitches, i really don't like these adjectives let's call them] people of surmountable awesomeness who have grown into the silence spaces.

This break I've taken, I didn't mean it to last so long nor did I expect an actual summer holiday (with summer rain of course) and being worried about tans and spinning walls all with these shiny new peoples (more than plural, apparently not everyone can fit into credit card size polaroids )

So now, I'm assuming I'm talking to blank walls again, another meaningless narcissistic soliloquy in the never ending noise of the internet.

Excellent.

I suppose ,appropriately, the fact that I'm here in Singapore has encouraged this need to start blogging again. Crowded into the MRT are people conducting their own little orchestra of games,videos,texts with their iphones.

Small motions but enough to edge towards a super charged motion of connectedness once more.

It has been a very kind welcome, the day has been appropriately balmy with thunderstorms occuring always somewhere in the distance.

Oh wait, the thunders are starting and I have the best seats in the house. I've missed this height (24 floors ladies, it's a drop to death) and the view.

Conversations 14/12/2010

It has been a very efficient day. For AUD$25 we have bought two movie tickets, had pancakes and after meal mints. There is a subdued sense of asian triumph when you know you've gotten a damned good, scratch that, amazing deal.

We contemplate our next stop as the construction [changing the roads again to bring you better service sorry for the inconvenience] chugs on.

"We can go to the esplanade and take photos!"

Everything I say here, I accompany with an unhealthy enthusiasm , unnecessary semi dance movements and (for me I guess) an unnatural smile. It is impossible not to try to be sunshine when everyone else seems miserable with their lives.

"I mean we're technically tourists."

"Yeah! I'm so glad we can pretend to be tourist." There is a pause as an inpatient honk puntuates and then melds back into the urban sound design. "Everytime I'm like "wow" and point at stuff my friends here are like 'you've never been to orchard road before is it." The lights take too long to turn green. " I mean, Singapore is really quite beautiful at night."

"Yeah, it is."

Later we decide to count the number of smiles we would see before we reached our train station.

In a 400m walk, we count 8.

I know this place like the back of my hand even the constant cosmetic changes of shops and new places doesn't faze me. Weird architecture added to the city scape? Meh. Happens every 5 years. Now, I also now aware of just constancy, Melbourne with its trams we probably keep because it's cute, a market for vintage bikes, new malls that are kinda like the old malls but shiner.

It's amazing how easy it is to be immune to each situation whether it's shifting sand or solid brick roads, you just get used to it. And it is difficult to keep that child like wonderment. Yet, with this growing up and knowing things, there is another world we opened to, insights that we never found funny before suddenly become hilarious. Double entredes, pun me please.

You never get to go back to the same spot again, making it difficult to trap every moment. I guess I never want to live the same day again, just a new one where something may supersede my previous experiences. Whether I find that in old world constancy with bull headed politics or a city working like an eerie clockwork made in germany , it's up to me to find it's charm.

You (Me) have just got to get their eyes checked and look very hard.

Oi Singapore ah? It's good to be back.

And Melbourne? I'm finally starting to fucking miss you. mate.

Hi, I'm here, yes I'll be back eventually. I don't know when, or how or whether i'll make sandwiches for lunch tomorrow.

But I will write again about life and the sticky bits in between.

For now, I'll scream.

Describe a defining moment or series of events that has affected your life this year.

There wasn't a defining moment. I wish there was one that happened in a milestone year but I guess not.

Picking from small moments :

Walking back home with Elysia and realising that, hey , I live here now and even if my friends now drift away I will have this summer day of dust, heat and finding once again that quiet comfort of understanding.

Ellis showing me Blink. The Doctor Who marathons that followed. Realising how intelligence is such a turn on (there is no other reason why I find the eleventh doctor attractive, I mean c'mon)

Yeah,I'm doomed.

Doing a list of books that I've read this year. I didn't even reach 10. Realising I need to read more.

Discovering the true wonders of baking. Namely this site that caused my waist line to expand

LOSING MY PENTAX K7. DAMN GLEN WAVERLEY THIEVES.DAMN THEM TO HELL.

Okay, it's probably getting semi ridiculous how many half done blog posts and photoshop pieces I have stuck on my walls, in between books and written on random post its.

We all know this :Time, it flies. Right now, I am juggling between deciding for future already and preparing to dieeee because I am doing a film and it's not complete and it makes me angry at technology.

So, in all I want to write more, read more, sit down and just chill to the movies I have on my hard drive but i can't (or can't find the will to)

I'm fine, thank you.

"Creation seems to come out of imperfection. It seems to come out of a striving and a frustration. And this is where I think language came from. I mean, it came from our desire to transcend our isolation and have some sort of connection with one another. And it had to be easy when it was just simple survival… Like, you know, “water”. We came up with a sound for that. Or “Saber-toothed tiger right behind you”. We came up with a sound for that. But when it gets really interesting, I think, is when we use that same system of symbols to commuicate all the abstract and intangible things that we’re experiencing. What is, like, frustration? Or what is anger or love? When I say “love”, the sound comes out of my mouth and it hits the other person’s ear, travels through this Byzantine conduit in their brain, you know, throught their memories of love or lack of love, and they register what I’m saying and say yes, they understand. But how do I know they understand? Because words are inert. They’re just symbols. They’re dead, you know? And so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed, it’s unspeakable. And yet, you know, when we communicate with one another, and we feel that we have connected, and we think that we’re understood, I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion. And that feeling might be transient, but I think it’s what we live for."- Waking Life (2001)

Hahahahaha!

Fish expression priceless.

CAPS LOCK CANNOT CONTAIN MY FAN GIRLY JOY

Hello my darlings, she croons softly, I'll be waiting.

If I introspect anymore I will actually implode.

The only reason I do, talk to myself in my head that is, is because anything committed on paper sounds insane. Even when written in perfectly good purple ink.

The reason I don't blog as much any more is because I've forgotten who I used to blog for in the first place.

And again, my brain goes at insane rates, asking all these pointless questions, meandering and meandering, TIRELESS. I'm trying to distill my thoughts, getting vents for them, the evidence is on my walls. I have a little black spiral bound book where I write shizz but even then, my thoughts are cryptic.

I feel like I'm lying to myself, only that I'm really good at it and bad at it at the same time. Good because usually I tell the truth, bad because I can always rationalise a lie to a semi truth. I'm not good at the game because I'm being crushed by it. I don't believe me any more because well, I'm obsessed with having meaningless sex with words and twisting it and relishing the creation of nostalgia for the moment rather than actually being in the moment.

I am afraid because I am not certain of what I want. I am afraid because even what I need is elusive. See, to be aimless is not something I'm good at. Why am I doing this, what do I want to do, for whom am I doing it for (me? more uncertainty).

And then I miss people but occasionally it feels that the oceans are not what divides because I'm beginning to miss people here AND WE ARE NOT EVEN APART.

It's difficult trying to see where I fit in here. I like friends. "Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival" And will always be eternally grateful for the ones that have stuck around and just let me be comfortable. Then occasionally it strikes me how much I don't know the people around me, they are here for now but seperated by cellophane. I don't know how to break it, whose wall of formidable cling wrap is it anyway?

I like the aloneness, but selfishly enough, not the loneliness. Suddenly, more than ever, it's 'Oh but I don't want to impose'. *shrugs* To be needed is gratifying and more than ever I see the influence of media which I have fed on and which has in turn,drained from me. <-- internet addictions yeyyy

Feeling like I have learnt nothing yet somehow someone is still teaching but I don't get it.

I try not to give advice any more. It's dangerous.